i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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