I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
