I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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