I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
