if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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