just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
