After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
