my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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