apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
