Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
