I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?