I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
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Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
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I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?