you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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