That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
