Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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