So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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