i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
