he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
