well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
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If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
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I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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