I think i sorta joined a cult last night
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
