He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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