Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
