dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
