I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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