mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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