$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
