That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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