the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
