is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
