He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
