so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
