My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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