I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
