There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
