He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
