You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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