so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
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I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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