I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
