Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
