If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
