Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
