Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
