I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
