Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize