My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
