I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
