Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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