He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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