the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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