i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
