last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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