3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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