Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
