Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
