note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
