P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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