Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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