My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
